thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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