mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
