A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
