Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
