she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
