Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
