Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
