1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
