Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
