Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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