Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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