1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
