Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
