I like my sex mixed with concussions.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
