im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I have already put on my inside pants.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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