the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
