i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
We left the knife in your bed.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
