I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
