my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
