I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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