Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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