I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
