it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
