honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
