wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
