I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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