me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
