You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Randomize
