Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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