And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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