walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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