I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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