I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
