I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
