So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
