Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
