I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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