I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
