Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
