think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
