So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
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