I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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