I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
