yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
