Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
