You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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