He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
