she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
