Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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