i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
